Elastics

I thought I was fine.

I’ve really never thought about selfharm. Well, I’ve thought about selfharm before, but definitely not to myself.

I’m too much of a coward to harm myself.

But then I heard about using an elastic band.

It’s meant to be a recovery solution for those who cut.

But for me, it’s an introduction.

It’s lulling me into it.

No. I’m not depressed.

At least I don’t think I am.

At first, I did it because I simply felt like it and I wanted to see if it made a noise. I also wanted to see if anyone on the train would notice. I wanted to see if people noticed.

It felt quite nice.

And then I looked at the red welts on my wrist and I smiled. It was like relief.

But then I was thinking about it more and more last night. I just felt the urge to do it again. But this time, there was nobody there to notice. I did it just because I felt the itching urge to.

And so I did.

I only snapped the band twice. And then I forced myself to pull away.

I did it today again. So many times. I snapped the elastic a few times on the train but I did it more during school whenever I felt that sadness and it felt nice. I forgot what the sadness felt like. Its like that feeling when your friend insults you or belittles you, that feeling when you notice that you're not worth the attention, that feeling you get when you want someone to notice you but noone does.

I noticed that I didn’t notice the elastic sitting on my wrist when I was happy.

I guess that’s obvious seeing as self harm doesn’t happen when your happy.

But I did it more today.

I’m scared.

What if I do it more?

What if I get addicted?

I did feel nice. It was almost like satisfaction.

Probably a fraction of what those who cut feel.

I don’t want to spiral into depression.

Please let it not be so.

I still have a few red welts from last period at school. Its barely visible but I can tell the difference between my left wrist and my right one.

I guess I didn’t know I was in pain until I felt relief.