from the heart

it just came to my realisation that i haven't truly smiled from within for a while
ive only ever been smiling on the outside, or smiling like :) through fb and online
and i kinda wonder why, because there are so many reasons for me to smile for real
only i dont.

the closest i got was looking at the year 9/10 fellowship photo that jasleen took on friday, and when someone asked how fellowship went, i was close to smiling for real.
after rice rally i was smiling, after our first sic meeting, after our sic picnic. all for real.
but recently it seems like its just not there. maybe its the work, or because im neglecting God.
i think i laugh for real though, when people make jokes or when something happens, i laugh.
i laugh and i laugh and i guess thats the only time i actually smile at the same time?

and i just tried to smile to the computer while writing this, and its weird cos smiling seems like a foreign thing for my mouth cos it feels so awkward and fake

and sometimes i feel like im two-faced, cos here i am seeming so depressed and sad and when i talk to others i act all happy and stuff.

i think im smiling inside for real though right now. i cant find a way to show it on my face, but i think im actually smiling with warmth reading this blog and our sic related stuff. if that counts. and i think about God and what He has done and how i've been blessed by all of you and i think i smile inside

maybe one day very soon ill be able to show it on my face for real.